R’s parents had both died actually. A few years before the death of R’s mom, her dad had found out that he had a brain tumor. Their family had found this out quite suddenly at a family dinner when their father lost consciousness at the dinner table. Tests showed that he had a large tumor growing in his brain. Attempts were made to extract the tumor. Chemotherapy was given. In the end, R’s father had fought a huge battle, but there was nothing else to do for him. R’s father had left behind five children and a wife. Of course the R family was torn with grief after the loss of their father. F, the mother, had taken the loss of her husband so profoundly that eventually it had taken her own life. After a couple years of her husbands’ death, F committed suicide by letting her car run in the closed garage. Her loss years early had built into a profound confusion in her mind. She chose to escape that confusion.
R’s mother died a few weeks before X’s. They both a common link between each other besides their friendship. The link had been sorrow. R, being the oldest of the family still living near the children, was made responsible for their upbringing. She quit her life that she’d began miles away to help raise her teenage siblings in this extremely difficult time. In a way, she’d had to put her life on hold. She’d seemed somewhat suspended between who she was and what she’d become after the loss of her mom. At any rate, she had not complained, but she fulfilled her duty to her family.
As X’s father lived close to R’s new home, shortly after they began to renew their friendship. X and R began spending more and more time together. They hadn’t really talked about their losses; rather they tried to forget about them together. X began spending more time at R’s home to escape the life without his mother at his dad’s home. X hadn’t known how to be alone with his own father because he’d never been put in that position before. His mom had always been present. X’ s interaction with his parents had always been mother and father, not just the father. Moreover, X couldn’t stand the emptiness that he felt at his dad’s house. Without his mom there, the house was a cold empty shell. And so, the gathering of sorrow began at R’s home.
In R’s basement had been a finished room with music, books and comfortable chairs. R had redone the basement because she’d known her mom had always wanted to do it. This is where the gathering had taken place usually. R and her sister B, her brother A and her friend X would sit in this room and be together. They hadn’t mentioned death or loss, sorrow or grief, but it had been hidden beneath the circle of conversations. Rather than express these feelings, they’d chosen to find the best way to escape them. Their most used and efficient means of escape had been marijuana. It had been always present in the circle, passed about and eagerly smoked by all to unplug from an inner reality of torment. It had served its’ purpose to disengage from the present moment to find a moment of respite. They’d laughed. They’d laughed and carried on in a nervous and insane stupor, all the while they’d just wanted to cry and breakdown. But they could never do that. Why? Because they were kids. And kids shouldn’t have to go through shit like death and mourning. The confusion of death had been above their comprehension and the only way they’d known how to deal with it was through escape.
Through the suspension of grieving, life had been moving on in a way. X had been in a desperate need to find a job to earn some money. One day he’d seen an ad in the newspaper for a cook, like he’d been earlier in the northern forest. He’d decided to go and apply for the job. The job had been located in a deli of a large supermarket. X had been discouraged to find himself working in a deli. He’d had several years of higher education. He’d entered the supermarket for his interview, with each step wanting to turn around and leave. He’d gone to the deli to speak with the manager for the position. The manager was on break and would be back in 15 minutes. X had decided that this had been a sign and that he could leave without applying for the position. He’d walked out of the store and decided to smoke a cigarette to think of what he’d wanted to do.
Should he apply for the position? Shouldn’t he?
While taking a drag from the cigarette, he asked his mom in his thoughts for guidance. It had been the first time he’d spoken to her after her death. Instantly, in his head he’d heard his mom’s words. “You need a job, so get inside and TAKE THIS JOB!” she’d said.
X had been instantly overwhelmed with a sense of purpose. He’d known exactly what to do now. He quickly put out the cigarette and went inside. Fifteen minutes later after the interview, X walked out of the store with his new position as a cook in the deli.
Little did X know how much this decision would change his entire life.
Shortly afterwards, X began his new position. Cooking was something that he’d enjoyed and he did his job with the expectation that it was only temporary. From time to time, X saw business people coming in to look at the deli. He’d found out that the deli was part of a new franchise program from a local company that manufactured food service and restaurant equipment. Periodically, the business people would drop by to see how their new concept was working out. They even had a person from their company working in the deli.
X had always been professional and outgoing with these people. He’d been somewhat curious about them and what they did. Then, after working in the deli for several months, the business people had offered X a position in their company. Just like that. Out of the blue. They’d offered him a much better salary and the chance to travel around the country. Of course, X immediately took the position and not seven months after applying for the job in the deli (the job he’d been about to walk away from), he found himself in a suit and tie, working for a company.
Little did X know how much this position at this company would change his entire life.
With all of the confusion of the time, X and R had found comfort in each other’s arms. It provided them with a comfort and security that they’d both needed at the time. It had been an exchange of support. The months that X had spent at the gathering with R had given him support to go on with his life. He couldn’t have had done it without her. In the end however, X had needed too much and had asked too much from R. On a cold, dark and snowy night, X had left R’s house for the last time, never to see her again until years later. The confusion had become too much to comprehend. The gathering of sorrow had ended for X. He had moved on to another step in his grieving process. X had found a new job and had used it to continue to forget.
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