Nearly fifteen years had passed, and the Middle Inlet still flowed with determination. X had thought about how his life had changed since he’d been a small boy. He remembered when he moved from the university that he’d attended, to live Up North, deep in the woods of Wisconsin, to escape himself. He’d been a college drop out. He knew he had to leave the university because his alcoholism had gotten out of control. He needed to runaway again. Just like he did when he’d found out that his mom had cancer.
Up North seemed like the refuge that he needed to get back on track again. Plus, he’d known that he’d be closer to his ill mom again. He’d known that his mom and dad still did the Friday ritual if she’d been feeling up to it. He needed to be closer to her. Despite his first flight instinct to run away to a university far from his mom after learning about her illness, he’d known now that there was no time left. He’d known she’d disappear soon. After living in the forest for about a year, the telephone had rung early on a Sunday morning in August.
He’d answered the phone and heard his dad on the other end. “You better come down to Milwaukee,” he said. X jumped into the car minutes after the speaking with his dad. During the three and a half-hour drive to Milwaukee, tears had rolled down his cheeks. He knew that this was it. He just hoped that he could see her before she left. He’d arrived at the hospital and saw his whole family there. He’d gone into her room and saw her in bed with her eyes closed. She woke a little and looked at him. He didn’t know what to say. He took her cold hand and told her everything would be all right. He’d known it was not all right and she’d known it was not all right. He told her he loved her very much. She’d wanted to see the entire family one by one when she would wake up. Each one of them went into her room to speak with her. Each one of them left her room in tears.
It had been night. X’s family and friends of the family were all there outside her room. She’d been unconscious for several days and everyone was saying it was a matter of time. X’s old friend R had arrived to say goodbye to his mom. They’d gone outside to smoke a cigarette. They’d been talking about how shitty life was. R’s mother had died one week earlier. Suddenly, X’s uncle came running out of the hospital, telling him to come quickly. X ran up the stairs to the fourth floor and into his mom’s room where he’d found everyone around her bed. They all looked down at her crying. Her heartbeat had slowed down and her breathing had nearly stopped. It lasted a little while. X’s dad held his wife’s head in his hands. X and his brother held their mom’s hand. His dad kept telling her, “just let go…just let go.” Finally, after her five-year battle with breast cancer, she had let go of life.
Afterwards, each person had had a little time to be with her alone. X stood next to the bed, looking down at her. He touched her hand. He gave her a kiss on the forehead. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave her, but he knew he had to go. He looked at her one last time. He knew it would be the last time he saw her in reality. He turned and walked out of the room, forcing himself not to look back at her.
There was a funeral a few days later. Family and friends had gathered at the house. All X could remember was a low mumble of voices resonating off the walls of the kitchen. They left for the church. X stood by his dad and brother in the front row. On the other side of the pew were his mom’s parents, ages 80 and 90 years old. X couldn’t look at his grandpa because of the pain he saw in the old man’s eyes. He had outlived his only daughter, who he adored with all his heart. X grasped the pew in front of him to keep his balance. He didn’t hear anything. He fought to keep from breaking down in a fit of tears. His jaw was clenched. After the priest had mumbled his last word, X had been the first to walk out of the church with his brother and father. He looked straight ahead, fighting to keep his emotions inside him. He never stopped fighting the pain, hurt and loss that he felt that day. He pushed it deeper and deeper into his unconscious. They all did.
His mom had just died. There had been a lot of emotion everywhere. A couple days after the funeral, X was completely lost. He had no idea where he should go or what he should do. He’d been living Up North at his parents’ cabin, working as a cook in a small restaurant. He didn’t know if he should go back to that. Should he go back to the solitude of the forest?
His dad came home from work and X had his car packed to leave to go back to his refuge in the North. He stood next to his car, close to tears when his dad asked him if he was going somewhere. X told his dad he didn’t know where he was going or what he was doing. X just said he was going Up North. X saw the emotion in his dad’s eyes. His dad knew that X was lost, because he was lost himself. X had to leave right away. There stood two men overwhelmed with emotion and unable to show it to each other. He had to run. He just left it like that, tears flowing as he drove away.
That weekend, X spent the weekend drinking in solitude. By Sunday, he’d decided it was time to go back to his dad’s house. X began a new life and a new relationship with his dad. It was a relationship without a mother or a wife.
A few weeks after X’s mom died, he called his old friend R to see how she was doing. They got together and began to renew their friendship that they had before going off to college. They both had something in common. They’d both just lost their mother’s.
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